New Financial Fair Play rule is making rich football clubs rubbish at football

An open letter to the FA: Clubs whose spending dramatically exceed their income are being punished more than ever this season as your new rule forces big spenders to field teams full of absolute duffers.

The new law states that any team with a significant financial deficit must field at least one player who is widely understood to be “a waste of legs” by the footballing community. The very worst offenders – this year Manchester United and Chelsea – have been required to deliberately fill up half of their squads with known duds just to keep the sport's bigwigs happy. 

Earlier last year, Manchester City’s extravagant spending was brought to the attention of an unscrupulous FA official who demanded that the club not only buy Raheem Sterling from Liverpool, but that they pay the equivalent of Spain’s Gross National Product for the winger, an amount so ridiculous that it would have been enough to buy 150 London Eyes, or fill an Olympic swimming pool with tenners. “It’s very simple,” said the official, who spoke with a football accent. “When my dad caught me smoking a cigarette he made me finish the entire carton just to teach me a lesson. Football’s no different.” 

When asked to clarify his comments, the official merely shrugged. 

To make matters worse for the Sky Blues, following the club's appeal to the FA that buying Sterling for £40m would be “tantamount to regicide”, the governing body responded with an even harsher punishment. Not only did they dump another £10m onto the bill for wasting their time, but they stipulated that Sterling would now have to PLAY for City in many of their important games. 

Bib magnet: Sterling is now an automatic starter

In order to cope with the levels of overspending in the Premier League and the sheer number of ungainly lumps of uncoordinated meat that would be needed to properly impose the new legislation, a grassroots academy has been set up in Woking specifically designed to produce terrible footballers. The initiative has created 5,000 jobs for scouts challenged with farming the very worst prospects from the Sunday League, pub teams, and posh schools like Harrow who only ever play football once a year for a joke.

Amid accusations that certain clubs are mandated to encourage the taking of performance debilitating drugs as punishment for their economic recklessness, the future does not look bright for the EPL’s elite. It’s likely that Liverpool will be forced to sign Inspector Erwin Butterman (56) from Northamptonshire Police Service’s Second XI, while Chelsea face further humiliation with the prospect of buying 17-year-old Montague Finnian-Chesshyre from Eton School for £75m. 

Finnian-Chesshyre is said to be thrilled with the Stamford Bridge move despite reportedly muttering “good grief” under his breath when told that there was a football stadium located within 200 yards of his King's Road flat. The Chairman of the FA has welcomed the deal, declaring that the Lord in Waiting “is utterly hopeless” and “should be a right laugh” for neutral fans.